Fall Feelings
by Good Question
Summary: And The Cardinal Hits The Window/Cardinal!verse CODA: Set in Ch. 13; before the locker room scene.


**Beta'd by ****disenchantedpatient/Efia**

**CODA: FALL FEELINGS: CH. 13 / Set a little while before locker scene with Cas**

Dean's never been the type to pay attention to the weather much more past 'this sucks' or when it was road trip time. Their little town didn't follow the seasons all too closely either, but the one thing you could count on was the leaves changing in the fall. They'd been something his small past history of girlfriends had obsessed over, and not in any super endearing way. The changing leaves just reminded him that his time of racing down roads just to take a trip were about to be numbered. The Impala didn't do so hot on sleet. It reminded him of how bad the cold in general was for cars, especially his baby. And it reminded him of the fact that he'd have to start sleeping under three to four blankets again because one was just not enough and it totally didn't make him a pansy.

On the brighter side, it reminded him of the first time he'd had sex and it hadn't been awkward. Not that he'd ever admit to sex having been bad ever in his life, but that was a secret he'd keep between him and her and the first fumble he'd ever made at it. And Dean also couldn't argue that the increase in pastries in the grocery stores wasn't something to look forward to.

And Halloween.

And his mom.

And gods be damned now Cas.

Dean had finally mentioned something to his brother about the kiss and he still wasn't sure if his own face had been more shocked when the kiss had actually happened or Sam's when he'd let the cat out of the bag. It hadn't eased his mental limbo at all, and every time he thought he had something figured out, another stupid worry would blindside him and grind his head into emotional concrete. He'd even gone head to head with Cas' older brother. Dean told himself it was just because he found the guy irritating and both of them were older brothers and Uriel had been failing at his role as one. He'd gotten away with that train of thought for a little less than a week before his brain helpfully supplied him with other times he'd been around dick older brothers and done nothing. If it hadn't been counterproductive he would've ripped out part of his brain.

Cas wasn't even attractive.

And it wasn't like he'd felt any funny butterflies once Cas got back and they saw each other again. He'd been excited to see that the kid was safe, sickly looking, but safe. Hell, he'd even been really looking forward to having the twerp back in his car again, smiling at the boy while Sam bitched about the music. Cas on his side defending it and saying it was 'music education' and necessary. Their little sabotage team. So no, it hadn't hurt his feelings when the second they saw each other Cas had pulled back. No, it hadn't sucked that he'd picked out one of their favorite tapes already mentally to put in as celebration for Cas' return after the three weeks of radio silence. No, everything was god damn peachy. Some people would've said that Dean brooded on the way home, but Dean didn't brood. He was slightly ruffled by things if anything.

And then he'd met that creepy excuse for a dad that Cas had. That stupid dad that had put Cas on the swim team. Something that the kid was apparently a natural at. And Cas had to go and have a damn growth spurt.

Dean and Cas hadn't really talked since those first few days of him being back. Awkward attempted hello's and brief nod's were really the highlight of their communication. Sam had raised an eyebrow at him once for it but he'd just shrugged it off. What did they have to talk about anyway? And if Sam didn't remember and Cas didn't remember about the little lip fumble they'd had, then he could let it go too.

Winchesters were very good at lying to themselves.

He'd shoved everything away and buried himself in obsessing over Halloween plans with his buddies. It'd be a party with women, lots of women, and one of the few nights he allowed himself a few beers. He was going to hang out, and be his old, regular, Dean Winchester self. End of subject. End of weirdo emotions. End of Cas skipping through his brain lifting stones to find new bits of Dean he didn't know he had. He liked old Dean just fine.

It had almost worked too, this obsessive boxing up of himself.

At the garage Dean had been doing record speed work and quality, Bobby had only half joked about giving him a drug test. He'd even managed a few more proper hang outs with some of his friends and acted like a normal human being. But then he's waiting after school a little too long, helping out the coaches like he usually did when he had the chance and happened to walk through their swim hall on the opposite side of the building with the weight room and storage rooms. A sharp whistle pulled his attention and curiously he stopped for awhile staring out into the pool area, chlorine filling up his nose and lungs. He liked the way it tasted, it reminded him of summer. Dean only half cared as he watched a group of athletes spring into the water and race each other in between the long lines draped across the top of the water. He was about to turn away and continue when one of the boys lifted out of the water with a lopsided smile that Dean thinks he recognizes. From what he can tell the guy's decently fit, a bit skinny, but nothing concrete. The boy nodded at his coach and pulled off his goggles and the stupid little cap they made the swimmers wear. A familiar mop of black hair springs free and even from that far back Dean knew who those eyes belonged to.

'Fuck', he thought to himself, and moved away from the door like he'd been burned before people could think he was some sort of perv.

When he got home, he waved a distracted hell to his parents and spent the rest of the afternoon obsessively masturbating to the bustiest women he could. A wave of relief flooded through him as he pulled up his favorite saved video. His body sparked a little and small pulses flitted through between his thighs. He let his shoulders sag, and stretched through his spine as he lazily palmed himself through his jeans. A content smile spread on his lips as his body responded to the images moving across the screen. Dean had already stubbornly decided not to give his hand any credit to the proceedings either because he was male and it was a male hand even tho' it was technically his and his brain had hurt thinking about it and he blamed Cas so he was just going to focus on the woman shoving her fingers into herself.

Dean didn't even care about how sore everything felt when he tucked himself back in his pants and the jeans brushed ragged lines across his sensitive skin. He'd have to get himself some more lotion. He'd spent way too much of it. Although Dean couldn't help but laugh about how smooth and silky it had made him, despite his skin edging towards the 'rubbed off a layer of skin' territory. Feeling successful he'd eaten all of his food in extreme cheer and he'd hit up a few girls to hang out with that weekend.

Except his reprieve didn't seem to last long either. The second he saw Sam running up to Cas at school an uncomfortable jolt raced through him and he b-lined it away from the two. Despite his earlier confessions to himself about missing the kid in the back of his car he thanked the heavens that there was a reason Cas didn't ride with them anymore. He would've been hard pressed to find a good excuse for Cas not to join them on his back seat out of nowhere. 'I'm having a weirdo sexual crisis 'cause we're not talking about feelings'; was not an option.

One late night, after he'd finally decided that there wasn't anything there and that Cas had to be let down easy, he obsessed about his brother's role. He was really happy that Sam had a best friend, especially one that was a guy. Hanging out with Ruby and Jess all the time couldn't be healthy if he wasn't going to become one of them (although Dean was convinced that one of them would end up eventually catching his brother's eye. Personally he was rooting for Jessica. Ruby seemed like she would just eat his brother up and spit him out.) Sam had been growing a back bone in his never ending crusade to take care of Cas that he was proud of, and even if Dean had threatened a person here and there after a confrontation he wasn't going to let either boy know.

Either way, the bottom line was that Cas was good for Sam. And he figured their family was good for Cas too. Before his little sickness stint, he'd made mental commentary that the kid was starting to smile better. It wasn't something he could explain other than that there was a more natural flow to all the movements Cas did and it had nothing to do with his anxiety medicine (it had come up one evening when Cas was over and his pills had fallen out, and without checking the label for a name Dean had pulled Sam aside in protective fury about a come to find non-existent pill problem.) If Cas took his rejection badly he wasn't sure how that would translate to Sam. (Which now in retrospect might not even be a problem anymore with Cas no riding with them. Or maybe they just hadn't had the privacy to yet. The thought made his brain hurt.)

Then there'd been that traitorous sniper of a thought that he'd entertained during a night of delirious lack of sleep, if something DID happen there, how would that affect Sam? Sam wasn't homophobic by a long shot, and Dean figured there'd been at least a few gay friends in his past (if anyone under 13 could even have figured out their own sexuality; tho' to be fair he was having half a crisis of his own at 17 after he thought he'd figured it out). But that was Sam's best friend. And younger than Dean too, he had argued to himself. Hell, it wasn't until a brief glimpse of Cas building himself back together after the sickness, a well timed growth spurt, that he'd seriously considered looking at Cas like someone closer to his age. 14 for now but he'd pointed out to himself that Cas would turn 15 months before his own birthday would come around. 2 years wasn't so bad was it?

He'd quickly felt uncomfortable and shoved that thought down by imagining one of his favorite porn stars and a lazy hand down his pants. Dean passed out halfway through his session.

Then there'd been the internal freaking out about if he was freaking out for nothing. What if Cas had meant to hit his cheek and had just missed? Replaying the muddied memory in his mind, anxiety gripped his gut about maybe being the girl in this and having made a much bigger deal out of it than had ever needed to be made. And he'd gone and whined to Sam about it too. Every so often he'd tried to fish more information out of his brother, subtly of course (he'd be damned if he brought it up again specifically) if Cas had been saying anything to him. Instead of information he got stories about things that Cas had been doing and Dean lied to himself later that he didn't smile when Sam said he'd caught Cas in the back of English during a free day, eyes glued to a car magazine.

Halloween rolled around and he hadn't seen Cas in a good chunk of days, except for a few glimpses. He got himself a little more hammered than he intended to in good cheer with Ash and Chuck and the other people whose names he's already forgotten at the planned Halloween party. He stayed away from the backyard filled with smokers and instead made his way to the pool table his friend's parents had given them permission to use. It baffled Dean, they had to know what they were doing at the house without supervision and they were going to open up the expensive study to them? After a few unsuccessful games bright laughter from a scantily dressed nurse catches his attention. He stares for a little too long before she lifted a bored expression from the book she'd been playing with on the shelf. Her smile lit up and his gut felt like it had melted down into his knees from the heat of it.

"Reading at a Halloween party?" he asked but his tone wasn't mocking as he sauntered over. Even if he thought it was kinda weird, making fun of people you were interested in stopped being cool after the age of 6.

She smiled and laughed, "It's my house. I'm just keeping an eye on the pool table."

Dean's eyebrows shot up surprised, "I didn't know."

"Most people don't," she continued, "but that's okay. I can be a super spy and figure out who to kick out better. People tend to act differently in front of the owner of the house. More respectful to the property but the second you turn around there's a bed frame in your pool."

Dean laughed and sat down next to her on a different arm chair. "Super spy huh?"

She nodded and extended her hand out, her palm was soft and warm, with long slender fingers. They shared quick conversations and she gave a wink that had Dean's face erupting in a grin. She'd leaned forward and kept her hand in his and had a very straightforward conversation about exactly what rooms she could hold a private party for them at, as the gracious owner of the house. It hadn't taken much for Dean to agree, it'd been awhile since his last good natured casual fling. He told her as much and then attempted to put a foot in his mouth, wondering why the hell he'd chosen to say that. She'd only laughed and thanked him for being honest, and that it was good because she wasn't looking for more than that.

And when his brain tried to point out to him the eerie resemblance, the blue eyes, the short black hair, and the slender body, he firmly buried it with another beer, told himself he was allowed to switch from his usual types of women, and wished himself 'happy halloween' between her thighs.


End file.
